A Reader’s Memories

I received an interesting email from a reader much like me, detailing some of her spanko memories. She has graciously agreed to let me post it here. I love the idea of collecting many such memories in one place, allowing their similarities and differences to be more easily recognized.

It has been a very long time since I ever looked up anything related to spanking, for various reasons that I don’t think it important to get into.

But, for some reason I did today, and surprisingly (probably because of the search engine I used) it did not send me 1,000,000 results that I’d seen dozens of thousands of times before. I’m glad it didn’t, because it brought me to your blog, something I must admit that I would have by passed had I been given any of the other normal websites.

I am… I supposed at any length, a Spanko just like you are.  Hmm….well perhaps, not ‘just like’.  But alike in so many aspects. I’d like to share some of my own experiences with this interesting interest if you don’t mind.

I don’t remember either exactly when I became interested, but unlike you, I felt like something was wrong.  You just didn’t get interested by something like that. When I was little I was spanked (nothing huge, I was a pretty good kid so the most I ever got was a couple swats with the hair brush or a swat or two with a hand).  But I have always been fascinated by ‘over-the-knee’ I even remember at one point, I don’t remember why or when but both of my parents were in the living room and I went to one and laid down on their lap.  I don’t remember if I even said anything I think I did but I’m not sure, anyways, that parent gave a few half hearted swats then I went to the next who did the same.  It didn’t last much longer than that, I don’t know why, but for whatever reason one of my parents said something like ‘enough, go play.’

I also remember being in my after-school (I was probably about five or six) and I remember going into one of those small plastic houses and me and a friend were playing house.  -If I could ever play house I tried to, but not like most girls it wasn’t so I could be the mommy, it was more so that I could be the little kid and get in trouble…. a bit of psychoanalysis there may say that I was acting it out in my games since I normally never would have dared- But any time I could I would try to get my friend… never it seems the really close friends… but I would get them to either be the mom or dad and get them to have to punish their ‘child’.

I even remember a friend a while back complaining that she didn’t want to play house or it may have been a teacher/child game because:  ‘you’ll just try to get in trouble’.  *grins*

When I was about ten I moved and we lived with my uncle, aunt and their two boys.  I was extremely close to my younger cousin and he and I would play games a lot.  We would even play games just like I did with my friend at after school.  (regrettably my cousin has certain health problems and I always had to be careful never to hit ‘too hard’ because he bruised very easily and visited doctors a lot.  Although he was very willing to play these games…. sometimes I wonder about him, myself *another grin*)

I was probably no older than about ten or eleven when I first typed in ‘Spank’ into a search engine (and admittedly it was much easier to find the ‘good stuff’ back then). I loved to read the stories more than looking at pictures and I hated (-/+) seeing boys or guys *shrugs* just IMHO guys aren’t supposed to be the receivers.  I liked more pictures where girls were receiving, guess it makes me feel like I’m one of those girls (incidentally I have never really care much for the ‘mother spanking daughter’ scenes)

My first and most serious boyfriend was the first person I ever expressed the desire… well, that’s not entirely true.  I experimented with being a Sub a few times, which honestly really isn’t for me, I’m too hard headed. My boyfriend was fairly willing to help me out, but it always irked me whenever he told me ‘I don’t want to hurt you’. *rolls eyes*

I was, I believe in tenth grade the first time I wrote a spanking story.  I was sitting in my math class at the time.  (Isn’t that funny?  You’d never know that that shy girl in your class just may have been writing spanking fan fiction)

You’ll like this one.

I was in high school, my senior year and in my drama class. I was standing a few desk away from my own and talking to a friend who was sitting at her own.

I can’t remember exactly what happened but next thing I remember is that I feel and hear “SMACK!” and I turn and see one of my classmates. I think I said something but don’t remember exactly I want to say he said something like ‘you’re on my desk’ but can’t exactly remember that either. Always surprised me that no one ever said anything, not even the teacher who was in the room at the time!

(By the way, I, a few days later actually found him on AIM myself and he and I started talking.  I was terribly shy in school and never would have asked any kind of question to his face, but as you said in a post here, online feels so much easier.  I did ask him why he did that and he replied:  ‘because you’re cute and seem oblivious to it, so I thought I’d give you a wake up call.’  something like that seem impossible to ever happen to me, so I can tell you, I was stunned).

I’ve had other small incidents over the last few years.  A co worker while I was a server.  One of my managers at a store I worked in would threaten to ‘take me over his knee’  (half heartily I think) I even lucked out (?) to find a few chatrooms full of people who shared my one interest.  Mind you, these were more Dom/sub chatrooms, but one I went to was perfect.  It was fun, the second one not so much.

Anyways, I thought maybe you would find it interesting yourself to hear a little about someone else and how it’s gone on for them, especially when things are so different but yet so same.

Oh, and by the way when I was much younger I did the same things.  I read the definition as many times as possible, I looked in the thesaurus and would look for those words, etc.  Anything would fill me with intense fascination. And my best place to find them?  Cartoons, (One of my all time favorite cartoons is an older cartoon about a little car wanting to become a speedster (?) but his Taxi cab father doesn’t want him to.  The little car does something to make his father mad and his taken over his tire-lap and has his little trunk raised to show a little bottom and has his little bottom smack probably about six or seven times.

My other fave was a cartoon I actually had the tape of until it for some reason got lost.  Was about a little grizzly bear that doesn’t want to hibernate, that he’s not afraid of ‘jack frost’.  He is in his room and his mom is getting him ready for bed, but when she puts him in bed he sneaks down into the covers and out of the bed.  His mom catches him as he tries to sneak by her and scoops him up, lifts his nightie and gives him a few good swats  ten maybe-…. I remember rewinding and playing that part over and over, and even using the ‘slow’ on the VCR remote.)

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Discovering Spanking Videos

At some point in my teens, exactly when, I do not recall, I discovered spanking videos on the internet. The first videos I ever saw were samples from Spanking Teen Jessica. Not long after that I discovered samples on Spanking Teen Brandi and Real Spankings, as well. I viewed each video many times, and was always looking for new samples. There was no Spanking Tube back then (nor YouTube for that matter), so finding clips I hadn’t seen became increasingly difficult. I started looking for spanking related news clips to try to satisfy my appetite for new material.

Finally, when I turned 18, I got a bank account with a debit card. One of my first purchases was a subscription to Real Spankings, and I was in heaven. Suddenly I had access to so many clips I had never seen, nearly all of them were much longer than the 30 second samples to which I’d become accustomed. I vividly remember one afternoon shortly thereafter on which school let out early, and I had the house to myself for several hours. I was damn-well going to take advantage, so not only did I watch video after video with the sound turned up and coming out of the speakers, but I even took off all my clothes and watched them on a laptop in the living room.

Over time, I found that I liked videos that seemed “realistic,” in the sense of that they depicted scenes that might plausibly occur with real teenagers receiving real corporal punishment in a disciplinary setting. For that reason, then as now, many of my favorite videos were of high school paddlings over jeans, since I knew that such punishments did occur, if somewhat less severely than was typically shown in videos. I tended to like any video in which a girl was spanked in her jeans, because most of the girls I saw at school wore jeans most of the time, and it seemed more likely that a teenager would be spanked over her clothes than on her bare bottom.

I’m sure many spankos were similarly thrilled when they first got to watch spanking videos. After years of fantasies, I could finally see the real thing. Perhaps I was especially drawn to videos because I was never spanked and didn’t witness many spankings myself, so they satisfied my curiosity in a way that spanking fiction and fantasies could not. Maybe that was the source of my preference for “realism.” Or maybe my reaction was no stronger than that of many spankos who were spanked growing up. All I know is I fell in love with spanking videos as soon as I found them.

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Spanking Mentioned in a Book I Read as a Child

As I’ve already discussed, I was always looking for places to read about spanking as a child. Initially, I just read dictionary definitions, which were great at the time, but I wanted more. Then, sometime during elementary school, I suspect around 3rd grade though I don’t remember exactly when, I came across a spanking scene in a book I was reading. I loved sports biographies back then, and was in the middle of Lou Gehrig: One of Baseball’s Greatest by Jr. Guernsey Van Riper, from the “Childhood of Famous Americans” series. I had forgotten what book it was until I recently decided to look for it, and not only did I find the title but also the passage in question. Lou Gehrig had played some sort of prank on a police officer, and his parents found out about it. The book detailed what followed.

When Louie got home for supper that night, he noticed that his father was sitting at the table, but he wasn’t reading his paper as he usually did.
“Louie,” he said sternly, “come here.”
Louie’s heart sank.
“What’s this I hear about the policeman this morning?”
In a moment Louie had told the whole story.
Pop looked at him severely. Louie didn’t notice how hard it was for Pop to keep from laughing. Mom hovered in the background, looking worried.
“Louie, you know you must be punished,” said Pop.
“I … I guess so,” said Louie.
“I want you to understand about this, son,” Pop went on. “You had no right to play such a trick on a policeman. He is paid by the city to keep law and order. Remember that. In this house we obey the law. We’re good citizens.”
Louie had never thought about it that way before.
“Maybe you thought the policeman didn’t treat you boys right. You should have come and told me or your mom,” said Pop. “You know, you might have hurt that officer. How would you like to fall on a gravel roof?”
Louie began to feel very bad. He hadn’t meant to hurt anyone. It didn’t seem so funny anymore.
“Come with me, son,” said Pop. “Mom, you wait here.”
Into the kitchen they went. Pop closed the door. He gave Louie a good paddling.
“Now the next time you see the policeman, you tell him you’re sorry,” said Pop. “We don’t want to get a bad name.”
“That’s right, Louie,” said Mom. “Don’t go getting in trouble.”

I remember reading those words over and over again when I first found them, and I rediscovered them at least once a few years later and read them again. Only later would I discover an entire genre of fiction built around such scenes. When I did, I would consume the stories voraciously.

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Revealing My Interest in Spanking to Others

For as long as I can remember being interested in spanking, which is to say for nearly as long as I can remember, I have felt it was important not to share this aspect of my personality with others. While I never really felt like there was anything wrong with me, I knew that most people did not seem to have such an interest in spanking, and would be unlikely to understand mine. I couldn’t explain to myself why I found spanking so interesting, so how could I explain it to others?

In elementary school, I was somewhat less careful about hiding my interest, though I had no wish to share it, either. Partly, I think this was because I knew spanking was a normal part of the lives of many kids my age, and so discussing the subject with peers would not necessarily reveal anything abnormal. As I have written previously, I did ask about the spanking experiences of some of my classmates during that time period.

Perhaps the closest I came to outing myself to a friend during those years was in 5th or 6th grade. I had discovered a site that was recruiting male spanking models. I don’t think I really got the point at the time, as I had yet to really discover professionally produced spanking videos, but I was fascinated at the prospect of finding someone else that would spank me some day, if my parents never did.

Shortly after I discovered this site, my friend and neighbor Elliot came over to my house. We were playing on the computer in my room, and I decided, rather rashly in hindsight, to show him the site I had found in an effort induce him to relate any experiences he might have had with spanking. I brought the subject up by remarking that I had stumbled upon a very strange website the other day and wanted to show it to him. I showed him the site, and commented that I couldn’t imagine why anyone would ever voluntarily submit to a spanking (a perfect example of reaction formation had I not been so conscious of what I was doing). Contrary to my hopes, Elliot’s only reaction was was to agree that the site was weird and become very uncomfortable, at which point one of us changed the subject.

After that experience, I did not reveal my interest to anyone I knew in real life, or for that matter anyone that knew me online in another context, for many years. That finally changed one year during college. Zack had been my close friend since before high school, and I valued my friendship with him immensely. One night we were both drinking at a party, and in jest I threatened to send an erotic short story he had written to a girl he had recently broken up with. Their relationship was complicated, more so than I appreciated at the time. Zack did not appreciate the joke and became very angry with me.

The next night, Zack’s anger had subsided but he told me he wasn’t sure he could be comfortable telling me things in confidence. In an effort to restore balance to our friendship, I showed him a short story I had written earlier that year. It was my first attempt at spanking fiction. I told him I was into spanking and emailed the story to him as a sort of guarantee that I would not reveal anything he told me in confidence. This did indeed restore balance, but otherwise it did not have a large effect on our friendship. Once I had sent him the story, I was actually quite curious what he thought of the writing, though I knew he wouldn’t really be able to understand the content. He had initially intended to read it, but when I asked him what he thought about it later, he said that he hadn’t, and still hasn’t to this day as far as I’m aware. I think reading about the subject in such detail just made him too uncomfortable.

I told a second person about my interest in spanking within a year of telling Zack. I had been in therapy for a couple of years and had told my therapist essentially all of my other secrets. I trusted her completely, and had waited so long to mention it in part because it never seemed relevant. When I told her about my fight with Zack I did not tell her what secret I had shared with him, but that seemed an unimportant detail at the time. Later, however, I was relating some events that could not really be understood without knowing that I was into spanking, so after some deep breaths and a long preamble, I finally told her. It was extremely relieving, in a way that telling Zack had not been, in part because I had been intentionally vague with him but was now finally able to describe my interest in detail. In a way, this blog exists because of that conversation, which made me realize how liberating it could be to share my experiences. To be sure, the blog has a different audience, different goals, and takes detail to a new extreme, but writing it is enjoyable for similar reasons.

The third person I told was my first girlfriend, about which I have already written. I have told no one else, and don’t really feel a need to do so, although having told a few people I would now be much more comfortable telling someone else if I wanted to. I feel like telling many more people without a good reason would be more trouble than it’s worth, as I still don’t expect non-spankos to understand this aspect of my life and feel like the resulting conversations would be awkward and serve no purpose.

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Spankos and People Who Enjoy Spanking with Sex

Before I was with my first real girlfriend, I was feeling extremely risk-happy one night and I asked her in a text if she liked being spanked. This was before we had so much as kissed. To my surprise and glee, she said she loved being spanked. At first, I thought this meant she must be a spanko like me. As I got to know her better, though, I discovered that she really didn’t like spanking the way I did.

First, I quickly found that she didn’t like to talk about it much, but that certainly could have been the case with a serious spanko if they were just shy. But digging deeper it seemed she just didn’t have much to say on the subject. Once we were together, I discovered what she really meant was she liked to have her ass slapped occasionally, especially before or during sex.

While I had heard of spanking during sex before, I had never really appreciated how many people were into it but not especially interested in spanking as a pure concept or in other contexts. In learning of this phenomenon, I also think I learned a lot about myself by contrast. This solidified my understanding of the degree to which my interest in spanking was more than a purely sexual thing, and how important this was to the way I defined myself as a spanko. Of course, I was happy to spank my girlfriend during sex, but I did not view her as a spanko in the sense I apply the word to myself.

I wish I knew how many people who say they like spanking are into it in the way that I am. I suspect my group is smaller within the general population, but is much larger among readers of spanking blogs. This distinction is crucial to getting a true picture of the prevalence of spankos, and I am unaware of any scientific polling or other research that addresses it, though I’d be happy if I were wrong about this.

I’d be especially interested in reader comments on this subject.

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Fantasizing in Class

Like many other spankos, I would often have a girl with a particularly spankable butt in one of my classes, and fantasize about the possibilities. Sometimes those fantasies would receive a little help from the girl. This was one of those times.

In one of my classes in 9th grade, a very attractive girl named Nicole often sat in a desk a couple rows in front of me and one column to my right, which was something of a perfect viewing angle. She was a fairly petite girl, with long blonde hair, pretty blue eyes, a cute smile, and an absolutely perfect ass nearly always in a pair of tight jeans.

I once overheard her talking to someone about getting very drunk one night the previous weekend, and how glad she was her parents hadn’t found out. I suspect they probably just would have grounded her or something, but sitting in class, and later by myself, I preferred to imagine she feared she would have been spanked if she were caught.

I fantasized that she might have been caught before, and been put over her mother’s knee to have her cute bottom spanked over her jeans with a hairbrush. I was lucky I never had to get up in front of the class while I had been having such thoughts. I always watched her sit down in the hope that one day I would see her wince a little, so that my fantasies might turn out to be based a bit more in reality.

Creepy? Sure, but most any guy would sound just as creepy if they were completely honest about what they thought about in high school. Anonymity just allows me to be more honest than most.

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Asked How I Should Be Punished

When I was about 15, my mom caught me smoking pot. When my dad got home, he and my mom called me into their room to talk about it. I was not happy about being in trouble, but I didn’t regret what I did either, and although I didn’t say that to my parents in so many words, I think they could tell.

I told them I had liked smoking weed because it was relaxing, and washed my anxiety away. To their credit, they didn’t try to dispute this, but they expressed their concern at the negative effects smoking could have on my memory. I argued some, but I knew they would feel like they had to punish me in some way; I just didn’t know how.

Perhaps they didn’t know either, because they asked me how I thought I should be punished. My immediate goal was to try to figure out the least serious punishment that they would accept. I ended up telling them that since I had smoked in order to relax, they could make me go to a yoga class to relax in a different way. This was a pretty small punishment, but I figured I might be able to sell it to them as a “natural consequence.” To my surprise, that strategy worked, and they agreed.

Afterwards though, as much as I was glad to get off with such a light punishment, I wished I had asked for what I really wanted, and had wanted all my life. I knew why I didn’t: even though they were apparently very open to my suggestions, it seemed extremely unlikely that they would have agreed to spank me. They had always been philosophically opposed to spanking, and they probably weren’t about to start when I was 15. On top of that, if I had asked and they had said no, I would have been extremely embarrassed.

Still, I wish I had tried asking anyway. It was the best opportunity, if I ever had one, that would ever come my way again, and I desperately wanted to know what it was like to be spanked. Maybe I could have made a similar “natural consequence” argument that a spanking would relieve my stress. It probably wouldn’t have worked, and would have put me in the uncomfortable position of explaining why a spanking would help. But maybe, just maybe, it would have worked.

It was too late, though. Everything was already settled.

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Finding Spanking on the Internet

The closest time frame I can give with certainty for when I first typed “spank” into a search engine is between between first and fourth grade. I know it wasn’t later than that, and I could not read any earlier.

Somewhere in that window, I remember sitting at the family computer, making sure my parents were in another room, and typing “spank” into Yahoo. I’m pretty sure one of the first results was Spank!, which was not what I was after. The search results may have been filtered, because I don’t recall seeing spanking porn at the time, though maybe it was just less prevalent then, and I did not give myself much time to look in any case for fear of being caught.

I repeated these searches from time to time, finding things like more dictionary definitions. By the time I was 12, I discovered Laura’s Spanking Corner and Spank with Love (both hosted elsewhere at the time), and that was when I whole new world began to open to me.

I visited Laura’s Spanking Corner particularly frequently. I loved reading the stories, and looked especially for ones involving kids my age. The site also demonstrated to me the large number of people who shared my spanking interest. While I had not known this to be the case, and had for the most part always sought to keep my interest a secret, I had never really thought there was anything wrong with me, so this realization probably meant less to me than it has for some spankos.

What the realization that there was a large community of fellow spankos really did for me was suggest that I would be able to find a lot more places on the web with the content I was seeking, and provide the possibility that I might be able to talk about my interest with other people later in life. This latter piece of information was relieving, because I felt that I would only be comfortable talking about my interest in spanking with like-minded people who would be able to understand.

Later I would discover spanking images and videos, but for a few years I was quite satisfied with reading spanking fiction. The initial thrill these stories gave me was tremendous, and rarely to be matched since. In some ways I miss that thrill, and wish I could go back to a more naive time when just about any spanking story could engender such joy. This isn’t to say I don’t still love spanking fiction, I do, but my tastes has become much more discerning, and even the best work rarely excites me as much as anything I read back then.

In future posts I will write in more detail about discovering still more spanking content as I grew older, but these were my first, and perhaps most important, discoveries.

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A Short Memory of Corporal Punishment in Art Class

I grew up in a state in which school corporal punishment is illegal, much to my dismay at the time. Nevertheless I did see it used on a student once, albeit only semi-seriously.

One day in 7th grade art class, we were working with clay. The art teacher was not particularly strict generally, but one rule she did have was that we were not to throw the clay. She caught one boy in my class doing just that though, and despite her generally happy demeanor, she was not pleased.

She picked up a ruler and, with a smile on her face, told the boy to stick out his hand. The boy seemed unsure of how serious she was or how to respond, but when the teacher repeated herself, he stuck out his hand. The teacher than proceeded to strike his palm a few times with the ruler, though not especially hard, and told him not to throw any more clay. The punishment seemed not to be very serious from her perspective, but she did more than just tap his hand, and it was the closest thing I ever saw to corporal punishment in school.

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My First Female Friend in Junior High

In 8th grade, a girl named Katie was in one of my classes, my study hall, and my homeroom. During that year she developed quite a reputation at my school. She became the first girl in our grade who was known to have had sex. She was also popular, attractive, and flirty. Needless to say, as a fourteen year old boy, I very much wanted to get to know her better.

I was very shy then, and felt awkward even interacting socially with my friends. Talking to someone I didn’t know well, especially if that someone was a girl, was very difficult for me. Still, I somehow managed to get to know her well enough to talk on AIM, which would have meant little to most of my peers but was a big success for me. The internet was a much more comfortable place for me to interact with people than the real world, so it was through that medium that I managed to become Katie’s friend and confidant, though my anxiety level still jumped and my heart rate still increased any time she signed on.

I think in some ways Katie appreciated having someone as socially isolated as me to talk to and confide in. I never dreamed of being anything more than a friend to her, so she knew I wasn’t just trying to get into her pants (OK, I dreamed of more, but I regarded it as an impossibility, and would have been too anxious to pursue it in any case). My social isolation meant I didn’t have much in the way of means or motivation to spread the information she told me, and I valued talking to her too much to risk doing so in any case. This symbiosis was the basis of our unlikely friendship.

She told me the true story of her much-rumored loss of virginity; she told me about her hookups (“we used an ultra-ribbed condom, which was AMAZING!!!”); she told me about the time her sister walked in on while she was having sex; she told me how much she loved smoking weed (the next year, I would talk to her online while I was high for the first time); she asked me for relationship advice, though as she well knew, I was utterly inexperienced and naive in such matters (perhaps she wanted an utterly inexperienced and naive opinion); and she told me how much she hated her physically and emotionally abusive father.

This last piece of information weighed on me heavily. I wondered whether I should, against her wishes, report what she had said to CPS. I rationalized that I did not know enough details and it wasn’t my place, but I think the biggest reason I didn’t tell anyone was  that I feared she would stop talking to me.

One day in study hall, she kept standing near her desk talking to people and not sitting down. Eventually the supervising teacher asked her to sit, to which Katie responded that standing was more comfortable. The teacher was distracted briefly by something else, and at that moment Katie momentarily pulled down her sweatpants below her butt, revealing her thong, and perhaps some red skin, though I didn’t see long enough to be sure. I wondered whether it was uncomfortable for her to sit because she had been spanked by her father, though a boy she liked and with whom she would later have sex was also present, so she may just have been showing off for him. I never did ask her about it, because she had made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about her father anymore, but I was always curious.

I realize this post is only tangentially related to spanking, but that friendship, which only lasted a couple of years before Katie moved to another school, was an important part of my sociosexual development, and perhaps a catalyst for a shift in my spanking interest away from being spanked myself, and towards the spanking of girls my age.

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Talk of Spanking in 9th Grade Study Hall

I had a study hall in 9th grade with my friend Fred. He had a great sense of humor, though looking back he could also be kind of mean to people sometimes. One of Fred’s favorite activities in study hall was to talk to another kid named Luke, and one of my favorite activities was to watch these conversations. Conversation is probably not the best description of what took place. It was more like Fred was interviewing Luke, in much the same way Howard Stern would interview one of his many bizarre recurring guests.

Luke’s strange characteristic, from Fred’s point of view, was that he came from a conservative evangelical family. Fred started by asking Luke about his church, and one of his early jokes was to replace the name of Luke’s church in the questions he asked with a parody he invented. I wish I could share what that parody was, but sadly it was too original, and allowing my blog to show up in Google search results for the name would be too great a risk to my anonymity. Luke seemed not to be very bothered by these interviews, for he would continue to answer questions in study hall after study hall, though I don’t know how he really felt about it deep down, another parallel with Howard Stern’s characters.

On one particularly memorable occasion for me, Fred asked Luke if he had a bedtime. Luke said yes, it was 9:30. Fred then asked Luke what happened if he didn’t go to bed by 9:30. Without any hesitation, Luke replied, “my dad paddles me.” My interest was peaked. Fred couldn’t believe his luck at stumbling upon this new source of material, though I don’t think he was sure where to go with it. Two attractive girls sitting near Luke looked uncomfortable.

Fred repeated, “Your dad paddles you?” Luke confirmed what he had just said. Fred then asked when this had last occurred. “Last week,” Luke replied. “What happened?” Fred inquired. Luke said that had been watching TV at 9:30, when his dad told him to go to bed. He didn’t listen, so his dad went and got the paddle, and told him to bend over with his hands against the wall. Luke followed instructions this time, and once he was in position his dad gave him two swats. “How did you feel about getting paddled?” Fred asked. “It was fair,” Luke replied.

Maybe Fred felt bad for getting Luke to talk about such a private matter. Maybe he felt awkward. Or maybe he just couldn’t think of anything funny to ask. Whatever the reason, he dropped the subject.

As interested as I was in a story about someone my age getting paddled, what I thought about most later was the uncomfortable reactions of the two attractive girls sitting near Luke. Perhaps they were merely suffering from vicarious embarrassment for a fellow student. That would be understandable, but it didn’t make for a very good fantasy for me. I chose to consider the possibility that one or both of the girls were themselves still subject to corporal punishment, and were embarrassed by the topic. This was the subject of many of my masturbatory fantasies in the years the followed.

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Spanking in My Friend David’s Family and a Related Early Fantasy

During most of elementary school, David and I were best friends, and I spent a lot of time at his house and with his family. I knew his parents used spanking, though I was never told so directly. This became apparent to me after witnessing a couple of events while I was with them.

I remember one time I was with David, his parents, and Paul, one of his younger brothers, and we were walking to their car after leaving somewhere. Paul had been misbehaving in some way and was getting on his dad’s nerves. He was walking in front of us, and at some point he said something, I can’t remember what, that put his dad over the edge. His dad sped up to catch him, but before he could Paul began to run. His dad got close though, and when he could just reach he gave Paul’s butt a medium kick, and Paul began to cry. Nothing more was said about it, but I believe Paul’s dad intended to give Paul a spank if he hadn’t started to run.

On another occasion I was with David, Paul, their younger brother Joe, younger sister Cindy, and their live-in nanny Jessica, getting into the car. Joe was being mean to Cindy in some way, and Jessica saw it. She told him to stop and asked “do you need to get spanked by your dad when we get home?” Joe said no and stopped what he was doing.

Since I felt so close with David’s family, I often fantasized about the possibility of getting spanked at his house. One event in particular became the basis for perhaps the first spanking fantasy I would think about while masturbating, starting around sixth grade. Jessica often annoyed me for some reason, and I would talk about how I didn’t like her with David. He mentioned to me once that Jessica had complained that I was walking around the house too loudly, which he found pretty funny. I laughed too, but as I was getting older I was starting to notice that Jessica was very attractive. In my fantasy, rather than just complaining behind my back, Jessica decided to punish me herself. One version was as follows:

I was walking down the hall when I ran into Jessica in a part of the house that was otherwise empty. She told me she was sick of me stomping around the house, and that I had woken up Joe and Cindy from their nap earlier. She grabbed my arm and pulled me into her room, which happened to be in that hallway. Once inside, she told me she was going to spank me for making her have to get the younger kids back to sleep, sat on her bed and pulled me over her lap. She then grabbed the hairbrush that was sitting on her nightstand, and started giving me my first spanking. It hurt more than I could believe, and she kept it up until I was sobbing and begging for forgiveness.

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The Closest I Ever Came to Being Spanked Growing Up

As I’ve previously mentioned, I was never spanked growing up, because both of my parents were stridently opposed to corporal punishment. One time, though, I came very close indeed. I do not remember exactly how old I was, but I know it was no later than fourth grade, so I was at most ten years old, and possibly younger. It was also after I had realized I was so interested in spanking, whenever that was.

It was a winter day, and my dad and I were preparing to leave the house to go somewhere. There was a radiator near the front door that was enclosed in metal sheeting in the shape of a rectangular box. I had put my boots on, and was sitting on the radiator waiting for my dad to be ready to leave. Impatient and tired of sitting still, and began to kick the front of the radiator with the heals of my boots.

My dad told me to stop, worried that I might leave a dent, which, knowing my dad, would have especially bothered him. For some reason, though, his admonishment made me mad, and at the same time I think I misjudged his seriousness, so rather than stopping immediately, I kicked the radiator about five more times much harder than before, and only then said I was done.

Now furious, my dad told me to get off the radiator immediately. Scared and regretting I had pushed things so far, I quickly stood up facing him. Then, he told me to turn around. Shocked, and in the moment somewhat confused, I asked him why, and he said, “because I’m going to punish you.” Now I was really scared, because I knew both that my dad had always been opposed to spanking, and that he intended to spank me, which meant that he must have been extremely angry. Reflexively, I said “No!”

I think this gave him time to realize how angry he was and what he was about to do, because rather than turn me around himself, as he could easily have done, he told me to zip up my jacket so we could leave. I did, we left, and my dad never mentioned the incident again.

I never forgot it though, and as soon as the moment was over I began to regret not turning around. I knew this had probably been my only chance to be spanked by my parents, an experience about which I was deeply curious. In the years that followed, I would often replay the incident in my mind, fantasizing about what would have happened if I had turned around. I regret not doing so to this day.

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Apropos of Steve’s Sister Sarah

My plan had been not to make large chronological jumps between posts, but I think a much later experience involving the same Sarah from my last post fits well here. As I mentioned yesterday, Sarah’s brother Steve told me his dad spanked him when I asked him about it at lunch early in elementary school, and Sarah would later become one of my first crushes.

Fast forward more than ten years to when I was in college. While I was never particularly close with Sarah, I did still see her at least every few years after elementary school, and at times saw her more often. I also continued to have something of a crush on her.

One night, I was invited to a party at the house where Sarah was then living while attending college. When I got there, most people, including Sarah, were congregated around the beer pong table, as was the norm at such parties. What happened next was very much not the norm.

Sarah was to be one of the next to play, and she suggested to the other three players in her game that the team that won should get to spank the team that lost, and they agreed. I could hardly believe my ears, or my luck. While I had at various times fantasized about spanking Sarah, or seeing her get spanked, I had no idea that she was at all interested in spanking. At the time, I had never seen any girl get spanked, except on the internet.

The game began, and I watched intently, hoping more than anything that Sarah’s team would lose. It was a very close game, but in the end, to my great joy, they did lose. For some reason they did not settle their bet right away, however, and Sarah and a number of other people decided to go drink at a table outside. I went with them.

We sat there talking and drinking for a while, and I was having a good time, when Sarah went inside for a minute, I thought to get another drink. Somehow, it didn’t occur to me that I might miss what I so longed to see. She came back, and we all sat there talking a while longer, and then she asked her beer pong teammate if he had been spanked yet. I knew he hadn’t, as I’d been with him the whole time, and he told her so. To my great chagrin she responded that she had been spanked when she went inside, so now it was his turn.

Cursing myself for having missed what I so longed to see, I watched as someone from the winning team gave Sarah’s teammate one hard smack. Sarah complained that hers had been harder, but the bet was now settled. I was very disappointed.

Looking back on the party after I left though, I realized that while I hadn’t gotten to see Sarah get spanked, I had gotten to hear her talk about it, and knew it had happened, which was certainly a lot more than I could ever have expected before I showed up that night. The memory of what might have been has been the source of many fantasies since.

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Getting Classmates to Talk About Spanking

I was always very interested to hear about the spanking experiences of my classmates, but I also had a sense that this interest was not typical, and was usually too embarrassed to ask directly for fear of giving my interest away. However, I do remember getting some information early in elementary school at lunch. I think the reason for this was that being spanked was not as uncommon at that age among my peers (though it was still probably less common than in most places), so I felt like steering conversations in that direction was less conspicuous then. Also, I think I was less self-conscious than I later became. Even so I can only remember getting classmates to talk about spanking a couple of times, both during lunch.

Once, and I don’t really remember in what context I was comfortable enough to do this, I asked a few of the kids around me if their parents had ever spanked them. The only one I remember responding was my friend Steve. He said that he had been once, when his dad was really mad at him about something. I asked if his dad had called it a spanking or just smacked him on the butt, and he said that his dad explicitly warned him, “I”m going to spank you.”

Though I don’t remember the connection occurring to me at the time, when I started to become interested in girls later on, one of the first I ever had a crush on was Steve’s twin sister Sarah. This may well just have been a coincidence, but looking back on it I have sometimes wondered.

I don’t remember how I brought up the subject the other time a classmate told me about her experience with corporal punishment at the lunch table, though my vague recollection is that I was less direct. Mary was from somewhere in eastern Europe, and had immigrated with her mom to the United States when she was very young. Whatever I had asked her, I remember her response was, “you mean when my mom hits me on the butt with the piece of bamboo?” I was a bit taken aback and became uncomfortable, though I can’t say I was entirely uninterested, and I remember saying that wasn’t what I was talking about. A teacher seemed to overhear her (she had a pretty loud voice), and said something to redirect the conversation. This was fine with me, and the matter was left at that.

I don’t think I ever talked openly with any of my peers about spanking again until admitting my interest to a couple close friends as an adult. That story, will have to wait for a future post.

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Dictionaries

One of the most commonly reported early memories of spankos seems to be looking up the word “spank” in the dictionary. I certainly did it, often.

I think the first time was around first or second grade. We had a class in the library sometimes, and there was a huge dictionary there. I remember looking around to make sure nobody saw me (for some reason I wanted to keep my interest secret even then), finding the page, looking past “Spanish,” and there it was: “Spank – To slap on the buttocks with a flat object or with the open hand, as for punishment” (that definition seems closest to the one I remember anyway). I read it a few times, then quickly turned to another page and looked around again.

This was such a thrill at the time. It was, in a sense, my first spanking porn, although I didn’t know what porn was at the time, nor masturbation. I simply enjoyed reading the definition over and over again.

I did this in pretty much every dictionary I came across until I got around to typing “spanking” into Yahoo, and plenty of them afterwards. I didn’t know why I enjoyed this so much, really. Partly, I was curious to learn about spanking because I’d never been spanked and knew some kids were. But it’s not like I gained any more information reading very similar definitions repeatedly in various dictionaries.

There’s a certain purity to this early manifestation of my spanking interest, stripped bare (no pun intended, really, I mean it) of any conscious sexuality, or sensory experience. Just a platonic concept (this pun intended), no more, and yet, fascinating.

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First Spanking Memory from a Definitite Age

I can’t remember a time before which I was definitely not interested in spanking. I certainly don’t remember becoming interested after a particular event. My parents are ardently opposed to corporal punishment so I was never spanked growing up (I came close once, but more about that in a future post), so I’m not even sure exactly how I first learned of the concept. I vaguely I remember my ears perking up when someone mentioned spanking at school in Kindergarten, so it goes back at least that far, but I don’t really remember the details.

I figure the natural place to start  is with the first detailed, spanking-related memory that I can place at a definite point in time. I was seven years old, and one day, my friend, whom I’ll call Mike, invited me to come over to his house to play. We were on the same basketball team and had a game later, so his dad would bring both of us there afterwards.

Mike had just gotten a home version of one of those arcade games where you try to shoot as many small basketballs as you can into the hoop before the time runs out. I remember I was really excited to try it, so that was the first thing we did when I got there. Mike had already played it a lot since he got it, though, so he soon got bored and wanted to find something else for us to do.

Mike’s older brother, Mark, had recently built a toy roller coaster or train track, I can’t remember which, and Mike suggested  we play with it while Mark was in another room. While he was showing it to me, Mike accidentally knocked some pieces of track out of place, and just then Mark came into the room. Mark was mad that Mike had even touched the track, and really mad that he messed it up, so they started fighting and arguing.

Their dad heard the commotion, burst into the room, and seeing what was happening said, “does somebody need a spankin,” before grabbing a belt off a hook on the wall. Mike and Mark were still arguing when their dad made Mark kneel on the couch facing the back and lean forward. Then he spanked Mark with the belt about ten times on his jeans while Mike and I watched. It all happened so fast, I could barely believe what I was seeing.

Next my friend Mike got the same, and then his dad told him to go up to his room and change into his basketball clothes. Mike didn’t look very hurt or shocked, and walked off to his room. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, so I just stood around in the room we had been in, waiting for Mike to get back. I remember Mike’s dad offering some cashews he was eating and acting like nothing had happened.

Finally Mike came back and his dad took us to the game. Nobody mentioned the spanking the rest of the time we were together, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it for a long time; I’d never witnessed one before. The next day at school I desperately wanted to hear more about it, but since Mike acted like nothing out of the ordinary had happened I felt shy.

I remember telling the group of kids around us at lunch that I knew a secret about Mike, but that I’d only tell them the first letter of each word. “M.D.S.M.Y,” I said, for “Mike’s dad spanked Mike yesterday,” trying to get Mike to talk about it. Either he didn’t know what I was talking about, or he pretended not to, and guessed something about his dog. Feeling more and more awkward, I said that was right. He never mentioned it again and neither did I, but I always remembered it.

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About This Blog: What It Will Be and Why

There are plenty of spanking related blogs. Why, one may ask, am I creating this one, and what will be different about it? I have thought a lot about these questions, and will do my best to provide some answers below, though they may evolve over time.

But first, I must provide some background on where I am coming from, and consequently, this post will be very much unlike those that will follow it.

I have long observed from internet postings that many spankos share a number of common memories. Examples of these sorts of memories include looking up the word “spanking” in the dictionary, reading book passages involving corporal punishment over and over again, and being very curious about the spanking experiences of our friends and classmates. Sound familiar? I, for one, remember all three.

Another common characteristic among many of us is that we started to become interested in spanking before puberty and before becoming interested in sex, so for many of us, our initial interest in spanking was not of a sexual nature. While many of us were spanked as children, many of us were not, so personal spanking experiences could not have caused all of our interests in spanking either. Some of us cannot even remember a time when we were not fascinated by the spanking.

That spankos have grown up in many different environments, from which it is hard to pick out a common cause for our spanking interests, combined with the surprising degree of similarity among many of our childhood memories of those interests, suggests that many of us may have been born spankos. I find this to an intriguing possibility, and one that deserves more mainstream scientific study than it has gotten.

I am not a psychologist, however, and in this blog I will not attempt to undertake any scientific research or, for that matter, do any more theorizing of the above sort. Quite the opposite, in fact. Rather, I wish to provide in this blog a case study in the spanking related memories of a single individual, myself, that begins as far back as I can remember and is as exhaustive as possible.

I wish this to serve a number of purposes, both for others and myself. First, I would like to provide other spankos with a large set of memories with which to compare their own, and hopefully find commonalities. I want to do this because, even though I have been aware for many years that there are many other spankos out there, it still makes me smile to run across other people’s early spanko memories that are similar to my own, especially from before we were fully aware of the larger community and therefore not influenced by it. I want to help make other spankos smile in the same way.

If people feel like commenting, that would be a great way to expand the range of experiences, but I intend to post some memories I would be embarrassed to share with anyone I know, and understand that many people may not be comfortable sharing. I have gone to great lengths to ensure that I remain anonymous, and I will be careful about providing details (my exact age now, my exact location, and the real names of people I know, for example) that could reveal my identity, so that I can feel completely free to share everything.

I would love for this case study to be read by research psychologists or other scientists who might be inspired to study spankos in an academic setting. I want to know more about myself, and a large part of who I am is a spanko. I have a feeling I am not the only one who would like to know more about us.

Enough of this though. It’s time to begin.

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